Hi, folks. It’s been a moment since I’ve put something together here. The past month has been… well. It’s been a rough go.

If you have seasonal affective disorder, clinical/chronic depression, or anything akin to either, you already know where I’m going with this. I’ve been battling what I’ve affectionately been calling The Big Sad for decades. I’ve only been treating it with therapy and medication for a few years. Before that- I didn’t have any hope for change.

At best, I could get through the day with self-deprecating humor and as many vices as I could think of. At worst, I’d be homebound for days at a time. I was unbearable. In hindsight, I was surrounded by folks who were also getting by the same way I was. Of course I’m going to remain in the shadow of The Big Sad if the environment around me encourages the same, unchanged behavior. But at the same time, those environments offered safety and companionship. I felt firmly wedged between a rock and a hard place.

Fortunately, I hit a few breaking points. One of those points was in the midst of a year I had already forgotten most of. A coworker casually let me know that I was becoming complicit in letting The Big Sad take over my life. I was furious. I thought I had been managing things well until that point. Sticking to my hardwired beliefs and going med-free was better than being taken advantage of by doctors, right? I had seen the toll some of these medications had taken on my closest friends. The thought of dealing with adverse effects at the expense of possibly improving my mental health scared me.

But then again, at that point, what did I have to lose?

Turns out- !!SPOILER ALERT!!- healing and recovery takes time and effort. I got the help I needed. I began to recognize self-destructive acts and came up with strategies to combat them. I finally opened up about things I had been hoping to bottle up until I kicked the bucket. I left environments where growth wasn’t exactly discouraged, but stagnation was comfortable and/or necessary for survival.

Here’s another fun fact about healing and recovery: it’s rarely ever linear. And… here we are. I already waffled about putting together a post on this topic, but ultimately decided it was vital. Had these conversations been more of an open topic earlier on, I might have gotten the help I needed sooner. Then again, I might not have ended up where I am now if I didn’t suffer a bit. Regardless on which way you choose to flip the coin, things have finally been looking up after weeks of being deep in The Big Sad trenches yet again.

The difference is that this go around, I made an effort to fight The Big Sad from within.

I remembered to leave the house and explore places I hadn’t been to.

I ate foods that I had put off trying.

And, of course, I spent time with loved ones.

It’s all helped. Exciting things are on the horizon. To be able to look back on this hiatus, recognize what I could’ve done differently, and most importantly- highlight what went well- is huge. It’s all part of the growth process. Thanks for being patient.

If you or someone you know is experiencing issues related to mental health, here are a quick list of resources:

  • National Suicide and Crisis Hotline: 988
  • National Alliance on Mental Illness Helpline: 800-950-6264
  • The Trevor Project (LGBTQ+ crisis/helpline): 866-488-7386
  • Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services (DVSAS): 877-715-1563